Keepin' My Wheat Thins to Myself: Thoughts On Living Alone

When I tell people I live alone, I usually get one of the following responses:

Intense jealousy: 

Intense shock:

Both of these responses leave me feeling a little odd. By that I mean, I simply don't know how to respond (especially in the moment). Therefore, I usually have the same response for both: "Heh." While this response is obviously informative, thoughtful, and insightful...I have come up with a better one, which I will share with you all...right now.

Let me first preface this with one little nugget: Yes, I live alone. That does not mean, however, that I am a hermit crab-esque agoraphobiac (look it up), an angry people-hater, or spending all of my time in secret, concocting a love potion/plotting to kidnap Jason Bateman and/or Paul Rudd.

Moving on. So yes, I live alone, and it's lovely (right now of course...eventually someone will be stuck with me...hopefully? And it's not that I am against having a roommate, but that doesn't mean that living alone can't be stupendous). 

Here are my top ten reasons why at this point in my life, living alone is like living a in a vat of Awesome Sauce:

1.) Clothes are always optional, never required (sorry for TMI Ma & Pops...and Seany). I think most people who live alone would list this as a win though. Not much is better than getting out of the shower in my straight-out-the-womb attire, making some coffee, watching Boy Meets World, checking my e-mail (my work e-mail, no less), eating some grub, brushing my teeth...all before even considering putting pants on.

2.) There's something about another person's hair in the shower that is just so much grosser than my own hair in the shower. 

3.) If I want to do a core workout in the middle of my living room to the tune of the Lord of the Rings and/or The Dark Knight soundtracks, I can do so without any background noise interrupting my zen (bet you thought I would say "without being judged..."--heck no. I have no shame!)

4.) My messes are my own and that's how I like them.

5.) I have never been on the delivery (D) or receiving (R) end of any of the following:

• "Your hard-boiled egg addiction is stinking up the apartment." (D)
• "If hear 'Gangnam Style' one more time I will go Chuck Norris Style on everything you own." (D)
• "If you insist on bringing large groups home in the wee hours of the morning, I insist on blockading the door and/or setting up booby traps every time you go out." (D)
• "I needed to charge my iPod, so I plugged it into your computer, but it auto-erased all of your music." (R)
•  "Oh your Wheat Thins? I thought they were up for grabs." (R)
• "I ate a lot of Indian food today so...yeah, advanced apologies." (D or R)

6.) My bedtime is determined solely upon how many more episodes of Parks & Rec on Netflix my eyes can stay open for...and nothing else.

7.) It is perfectly acceptable to have a refrigerator containing lots of ketchup and little of anything else.

8.) If I just want to have a good cry, I don't have to explain it or worry about someone worrying about me.

9.) I can shout nonsensical insults at Carrie from Homeland, laugh obnoxiously at Cam from Modern Family, and fawn over how adorable Jimmy Fallon is without even thinking twice about what an observer may be thinking.

10.) The TV remote is mine. There will be no "Real Housewives of Anywhere" on...EVER.

 

 So for now, I am...

...because solo ain't so bad.