An Inclusive Guide to Grocery Stores (From Someone Surrounded by Too Many)

The Paradox of Choice has never been more present than at the current juncture in my life in a variety of aspects, one of the most prominent being when it comes to selecting where to purchase my groceries. At my current abode, I have access to 6+ grocery stores all within about a 5 mile radius. Below is my guide to those I have been exposed to of late:

 
If you want to feel like you have absolutely no control over your wallet, your mind, or your resistance to free samples, Whole Foods is the store for you. This place will reel you in straight from the entrance, where there is typically an employee/wizard/witch mixing up a giant bowl of guacamole/crack for sampling.

This is literally the size of the bowl at the door.

Upon your journey through the store, you will be met with nonsensical "foods" such as Quinoa (surely pronounced Kwin-oh-uh, right? NOPE) and you will think to yourself, "hmm it looks gross, but it sure sounds interesting...and healthy....Look at it, it looks like little brown bubbles...I don't need little brown bubbles...I MUST HAVE LITTLE BROWN BUBBLES. Hmmm, I need some Swiss cheese, but wait, Imported Gourmet Gruyere? GIMME."

And don't get me started on the prepared foods section. I am more guilty than anyone of being suckered into this and spending $20 on one box of a smorgasbord of grub. The first few bites are delicious, but it almost always turns into an "I immediately regret this decision" scenario. And then there are moments like this: "SHUT THE FRONT DOOR - this salad has some meat called 'Beyond Chicken?' What does that even mean?? I have no idea, but will I ever get the opportunity to eat chicken from the beyond again...?"

Unfortunately, it seems that more often than not, if your baby carrots and cantaloupes are "certified organic," chances are you are thereby "certified elitist" and hereby..."certified jack wagon."

In essence, Whole Foods forces consumers to choose between "organic," super duper fresh produce/fish/meat/cheese and peasantry snacks such as Wheat Thins.

Verdict: Wheat Thins win every time.

"You don't know what you got 'til it's gone" has never been more true until I moved far far away from my local State College, PA Wegmans. Truth be told, I knew what I had when I had it, but the withdrawal symptoms associated with not having it are paralyzing (the nearest Wegmans is about 18 miles north which means probably an hour drive in the DC Metro area). Weggies is so much more than a grocery store. Not only are their prepared foods (slightly) less expensive and tastier than Whole Foods, but their own Wegmans brand foods are just delightful. I personally recommend their coffee, cereals, hummus, and sauces (my absolute favorite being their Asian Stir Fry Sauces - if you have been to my apartment in DC, you may have noticed the rather large safety stock inventory of their Sesame Garlic Sauce. This sauce is second only to ketchup. And I think we all know how I feel about ketchup).

Wegmans has steadily balanced itself on the fence between cheap and expensive, making it perfect for the mainstream consumer looking for quality products without the "we're team Globo Gym and we're better than you" feel. Wegmans has quietly been the "first mover" in many areas, and other stores have followed suit.

Most importantly, shoppers can get their high-end, healthy, organic fix, while also indulging in 2 for $5 WHEAT THINS!

When I first stood in front of a Harris Teeter, the usually dormant child residing in my mind snickered, "I'm not mature enough for this name." Upon entering the store, the "enamored by Wegmans" side of me repeatedly shouted "IMPOSTER!" Don't get me wrong, Harris Teeter is a very clean, well stocked, respectable establishment. However, they are no Wegmans. Don't let them fool you. Their prepared foods are severely lacking and are severely overpriced, much like everything else in the store.

People who hate on Trader Joe's are like people who claim to not like Justin Timberlake but secretly listen to his music on repeat via Spotify "privates sessions." TJ's is cheap, delicious, and they are who they say they are. They make their own foods and the employees are clearly evidence of a thorough, fun, and legitimate interview process seeking people who really live the brand.

My TJ's food recommendations:

Surprisingly delicious low cal dressing

Surprisingly delicious low cal dip

If you still need convincing after reading the label, I can't help but feel sorry for you.

Giant is the middle child of grocery stores - caught in between hand-me-downs and growing out of things to hand down. Giant is where coupon binder wielding women go to town. If you happen to need chicken broth, red seedless grapes, "steam fresh" frozen veggies, four boxes of General Mills cereal, and six 2 liter bottles of Pepsi brand soda in one shopping trip, Giant will provide you with the necessary completely random coupons to accommodate your needs for the week.

I must say that one of my favorite aspects of Giant comes to light during the holiday season. The little game of chess I get to play with the Giant employee and/or automated self check-out lady, "Would you like to print out your bonus points coupon now...or wait until October 31st?" Do I want to say 5%? Or wait and see if I can rack up enough to save 10%? OR do I want a FREE THANKSGIVING TURKEY? Granted all of this is entirely reliant on me 1.) stowing the receipt safely away and 2.) remembering to use it.

Safeway is Giant with a different logo.

Weis Markets just doesn't care. Weis is the kid in high school who never went to class and never studied, but somehow managed to stay afloat. Weis is cheap and makes no excuses. Weis is Weis and they are fine with Weis. Even their website features the slogan "Unmistakably Weis." Yup.

My vision of Weis will always be dominated by the borderline pathetic, barely breathing, but strangely lovable Weis right next door to a giant Giant in State College, PA. This Weis usually has 4-5 cars in the parking lot (which lines up nicely with the number of employees in the store...which unearths just how many customers there aren't) while the neighboring Giant boasts a filled-to-the-brim parking lot as well as its own gas station.

Bless you, Weis Markets. I literally don't know how you are still alive.

Walmart is the Ringer of grocery stores. Despite what even I would think, Walmart's products are actually pretty decent. Their produce, bakery, and the like aren't too shabby and are obviously not crazy expensive. Moreover, brand products are almost always less expensive here than anywhere else - sometimes up to an entire dollar less. And when you're like me, mindlessly blowing money on prepared foods at various higher-end establishment, the extra dollars saved on my Pop Tarts and bread goes a long way.

Happy shopping! Enjoy the Paradox of Choice.